Navigating Grief During the Holidays
Navigating Grief During the Holidays
The holidays can amplify feelings of loss, sadness, and longing for those grieving. While traditions and social expectations can feel overwhelming, creating space for healing and remembrance is key. Learn compassionate strategies to honor your feelings and the memory of loved ones during this bittersweet season.
Navigating Grief During the Holidays
Embracing the Reality of Holiday Grief
The holiday season is often seen as a time of joy, connection, and celebration, but for many, it’s a period of intense emotional struggle. For those grieving a loss, the holiday season can amplify feelings of sadness, loneliness, and longing, often in ways that feel unexpected or isolating. Despite the cultural pressure to engage in festivities, it’s crucial to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions during this time. This article explores some of the unique challenges of grieving during the holidays and offers compassionate strategies to help manage grief in ways that honor both the holiday season and the memory of lost loved ones.
Emotional Triggers: Holiday activities, family gatherings, and traditions bring memories of loved ones who are no longer present. These traditions can feel especially poignant, as the absence of someone dear may become more apparent. Hearing certain songs, seeing specific decorations, or even smelling familiar holiday scents can evoke memories, sometimes bringing a wave of grief that feels uncontrollable. For some, it may be the first holiday season without a loved one, which makes the adjustment even more challenging.
Social Expectations: The holiday season is filled with social gatherings and celebrations, with family members and friends often expecting those who are grieving to participate in festivities as usual. This can create a sense of guilt or inadequacy for those who don’t feel like celebrating and may lead to feelings of resentment or pressure. These social expectations can also make it hard to express grief openly, as some may worry about "ruining" the holidays for others.
Financial and Social Stress: Holidays bring financial and logistical stress, from gift-giving to planning and travel arrangements. For those grieving, the added burden of coordinating these details can feel overwhelming, as energy may already be low and coping with everyday tasks can feel exhausting. These added pressures can intensify feelings of loneliness, loss, and emotional fatigue.
5 Strategies for Managing Grief During the Holidays
Coping with grief over the holidays doesn’t mean forcing yourself to ignore feelings of loss. Instead, it can involve creating space for both remembrance and healing, allowing yourself to approach this time of year in ways that prioritize mental and emotional well-being.
1 - Set Boundaries and Be Gentle with Yourself: Grief is deeply personal, and everyone processes it differently. Recognize that it’s perfectly okay to say "no" to invitations, limit your participation, or choose not to attend events that may be too emotionally taxing. You might consider attending only portions of gatherings, setting an exit plan, or letting close friends and family know that you may step out when needed.
2 - Create New Traditions in Memory of Loved Ones: While it may be painful to continue certain traditions, others may find solace in creating new ones that honor their loved one’s memory. For example, lighting a candle, preparing a favorite holiday dish of the deceased, or setting aside time to share memories can be meaningful. Alternatively, consider making a donation in their name, volunteering for a cause they supported, or creating a small ritual, like hanging an ornament in their honor. These new traditions can serve as a helpful way for you to both remember and celebrate their life.
3 - Take Time for Solitude and Reflection: The holiday season is often busy, but finding quiet moments to process your grief can be invaluable. This might involve writing a letter to your loved one, reading their favorite book, or spending time in nature. Engaging in these solitary practices can offer moments of calm, giving you the chance to connect with your feelings and memories without outside pressures. Consider journaling about memories, or making a gratitude list, which can sometimes help anchor you during emotionally challenging days.
4 - Engage with Support Networks: Grieving can feel isolating, but it’s important to remember that there are people who understand and want to help. Whether it’s close friends, family members, or a grief support group, sharing your feelings can bring comfort and remind you that you’re not alone. Sometimes, just having someone listen or acknowledge your pain can be a tremendous relief. Virtual support groups, especially during the holidays, can provide a comforting space to connect with others who are experiencing similar losses.
5 - Prioritize Self-Care: Grief is both emotionally and physically taxing, so self-care is crucial. Activities like meditation, gentle exercise, or even just watching a favorite movie can help restore some calm. Exercises, like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, can help you bring some calm in the middle of the storm. Prioritizing rest, nourishing food, and movement can support emotional processing and provide a sense of stability.
The Importance of Professional Support
While friends and family can offer support, sometimes professional guidance is needed to navigate the complexities of grief. Counseling can provide tools and coping strategies specifically designed to address loss and can be especially beneficial around the holidays. For those who feel isolated or find it difficult to manage emotions alone, reaching out to a counselor can be an important step.
Looking Forward with Compassion and Resilience
Grieving during the holidays is challenging, and each year may bring its own mix of feelings and adjustments. Healing doesn’t happen on a fixed timeline, and each holiday season may require varying amounts of challenge and effort. Give yourself time. Get yourself hope.
Your Journey is Your Own
The holidays, though often bittersweet, can still be a time of healing. There’s no right or wrong way to cope with loss during this season. By honoring your needs, embracing new traditions, and seeking support when needed, you’re giving yourself the space to grieve while moving toward healing. Above all, remember that it’s okay to adjust what the holidays have meant to you as you move forward.
About the Author
P. Nate O’Brien, MA, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor, writer, and advocate for emotional well-being. With years of experience guiding individuals and families through loss, Nate combines compassion with practical strategies to support mental health during life’s most challenging moments. When not counseling, Nate enjoys writing, spending quality time with his kids, and a good cup of coffee.
The Emotional Scale
The Emotional Scale: A Simple Tool for Emotional Awareness
Want to better understand your emotions or help others navigate theirs? The Emotional Scale is a practical tool for tracking and exploring feelings like sadness, anger, and happiness. Whether you’re reflecting on your own emotions or fostering deeper conversations with others, this step-by-step guide shows how to make the most of this simple yet powerful resource. Brought to you by Hope Haven’s P. Nate O’Brien, MA, LMHC.
The Emotional Scale
Understanding emotions is a cornerstone of mental well-being, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. The Emotional Scale is a useful tool that uses a Likert scale to help individuals measure and track five core emotions—sadness, anger, worry, fear, and happiness. This tool is helpful for individual use as well as with others.
What is the Emotional Scale?
The Emotional Scale is a Likert scale tool designed to measure five key emotions by rating each on a scale from 1 to 5:
1 – “None” (e.g., no sadness, anger, worry, etc.)
3 – “In the Middle”
5 – “All the Way” (e.g., extreme sadness, anger, worry, etc.)
The Emotional Scale from Hope Haven’s FREE downloadable Emotional Skills Tracker.
Step-by-Step Guide to Using the Emotional Scale
For Self-Assessment
Set Aside Time for Reflection
Set aside a time that you can keep, that is consistent, and that is not burdensome (some of us are not morning people).
Rate Each Emotion Separately
Consider each emotion independently—sadness, anger, worry, fear, and happiness.
Use the scale to determine the intensity of each emotion.
Be honest to ensure that each rating truly reflects your experience.
Record Consistently
Keep a journal or a digital record of your daily ratings. Adding brief notes about the day’s events or emotional triggers can provide context and add depth for later analysis.
When Using the Emotional Scale with Others
Establish a Safe Environment
Begin by creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable sharing their emotions without fear of judgment (especially with children). Explain that the Emotional Scale is a tool for mutual understanding, not for comparison.
Explain Each Rating Clearly
Guide each person through the scale, making sure they understand each point from 1 (no intensity) to 5 (maximum intensity).
Ensure that participants know they don’t have to explain or justify their ratings unless they choose to.
Once the scores have been established, you can then ask “what is playing into that number?”
Allow Time for Individual Reflection
Before sharing, let each person take a few moments to privately rate their emotions. This allows for introspection and prevents social influence on individual ratings. Don’t be pushy. If you do, their anxiety (worry) will increase just because of you.
Encourage Sharing but Respect Privacy
In group settings, encourage sharing to the extent each person feels comfortable. Each participant can share as much or as little as they want, and it’s okay if some prefer to keep their ratings private.
If used in a family setting, you might ask open-ended questions, like “Is there anything you’d like to share about today’s ratings?” This keeps the process gentle and non-intrusive.
Analyzing and Interpreting Ratings
Once several days of ratings have been recorded, the data can be reviewed:
For Self-Assessment and Use With Others
Identify Patterns and Triggers
Review ratings over time to identify trends. Do certain emotions consistently score high or low? Persistent high ratings in sadness or worry may suggest areas to address.
Use notes to link emotions with specific experiences or situations. This can reveal patterns and provide insight into triggers, helping make constructive changes.
Reflect on Significant Changes
Fluctuations in ratings can be revealing. For example, a significant drop in happiness may coincide with a difficult event, whereas a decrease in worry could indicate progress in managing anxiety.
Look for improvements over time, which can reinforce positive changes or indicate areas where you’re effectively managing stressors.
Using the Emotional Scale for Personal and/or Family Settings
The Emotional Scale can serve as a catalyst for self-improvement and group bonding. Here’s how to use your findings for both individual and collective well-being:
Reevaluate Emotional Health Over Time
Periodically review and discuss emotional ratings, especially with others. Evaluate whether current support strategies are effective, and adjust your approach as needed.
Reflect on how the Emotional Scale has impacted understanding and connection within the group, using this insight to improve how you communicate emotions moving forward.
Get help if needed (such as a trusted counselor…like me).
Advantages and Limitations of the Emotional Scale
Advantages:
Simplicity: Quick and easy to use individually or in groups (especially with family members, both adults and children).
Enhanced Self- and Group Awareness: Promotes emotional understanding in oneself and among group members.
Facilitates Supportive Dialogue: Helps foster conversations that build empathy and constructive group dynamics.
Usable in Real Time: This tool can be used when we notice large emotions in ourselves or others. A gentle inquiry (e.g., “You seem mad, where would you say anger is right not on the 1 to 5 scale?”).
Limitations:
Subjectivity: Ratings are self-reported and can be influenced by factors like mood or interpersonal dynamics, especially in group settings.
Limited Scope: The scale focuses on five emotions and may not capture the full emotional landscape, especially nuanced feelings.
Privacy Concerns: In group settings, individuals might feel hesitant to share honest ratings, especially with more sensitive emotions like sadness or fear.
Final Thoughts on the Emotional Scale
The Emotional Scale is a flexible and powerful tool for promoting emotional awareness individually and in group settings (especially families). When used consistently, it can deepen self-understanding and enhance emotional bonds within families, friend groups, and support settings. The key to using the Emotional Scale effectively is honesty, compassion, and openness to growth—both as individuals and as part of a supportive community. With time, it can become a valuable part of your journey to emotional well-being, both alone and together.
About P. Nate O’Brien, MA, LMHC
P. Nate O’Brien, MA, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor and writer passionate about helping individuals and families navigate emotional challenges with clarity and compassion. With years of experience in counseling, Nate specializes in making mental health tools accessible and practical for everyday use. When he’s not writing or counseling, you’ll find him enjoying a strong cup of coffee or advocating for more emotional awareness in schools and workplaces.
Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder: When Sunshine Ghosts Us Daily
Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder: When Sunshine Ghosts Us Daily
Hate the time change? You’re not alone. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can hit hard when the sun seems to vanish after 5 PM. But with strategies like light therapy, mood-boosting exercise, and even some winter-friendly humor, you can make it through these darker months. Here’s how to fight back against winter blues and reclaim your energy.
Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder: When Sunshine Ghosts Us Daily.
1. Light Therapy: Brighten It Up
Light therapy is the most widely recommended treatment for SAD. A light therapy box mimics natural sunlight and helps regulate your sleep-wake cycle and boost your mood. Ideally, you’d use it in the morning for about 20-30 minutes by simply sitting in front of it.
2. Exercise for Energy: Move Like You Mean It
Exercise is probably the last thing on your mind when all you want to do is stay in your bed. But moving your body can make a big difference. The endorphins released during exercise act as a natural antidepressant, and even a short walk can help.
If the gym feels like a no-go, consider indoor activities that don’t require getting into workout gear. A stationary bike is less expensive than you think.
3. Eat Like You Care: Healthy (ish) Comfort Food
SAD loves to mess with cravings, and suddenly you’re reaching for carbs like they’re not going to cause you problems. But rather than diving into a bowl of mac and cheese three times a day, try to incorporate foods that support your energy and mood. Complex carbs like whole grains and lean proteins help keep your blood sugar steady. Omega-3-rich foods, such as salmon, chia seeds, and walnuts, can also help with brain health and mood regulation. Moderation is the key here, not deprivation. Remember: eating well is about fueling your body. Once you have a solid week’s success celebrate with shady food math (as my mom would say, if you drink a diet soda you can have the king size candy bar).
4. Take Up a New Hobby: Distract and Delight
One way to outsmart SAD is to keep your brain busy with activities that don’t let it focus on the bleak weather. Learning something new can be a fun distraction—I hear TikTok is great for that. Anything that keeps you engaged and gives you a little boost of pride and satisfaction is worth it. Plus, you might just come out of winter with a new skill to show off.
5. Socialize… Even When You’d Rather Hibernate
If SAD were a friend, it would be the one who keeps convincing you to cancel plans in favor of staying home in pajamas. But social interaction can work wonders for your mood. Even if it feels easier to hole up, try to get out with friends or connect virtually. Sometimes all it takes is a good conversation to remind you that this bleak early onset darkness will not last.
If in-person socializing feels like a tall order, try scheduling low-stress calls with friends or family members. Find a “winter buddy” who you can text to commiserate about the weather. A little socializing goes a long way in combating the SAD blues.
6. Stay Consistent with Sleep: Don’t Let Hibernation Take Over
Winter darkness tricks your body into thinking it’s time to hibernate like a whole bear, but keeping a consistent sleep schedule helps you avoid that urge to sleep for 12 hours straight. Try setting a bedtime that allows for 7-9 hours of sleep and be mindful of screen time right before bed.
Getting sunlight first thing in the morning (even if it’s just through your light therapy box) can help wake you up and set the tone for the day. Plus, think of this routine as your way of politely telling winter, “You may have darkness at 5 p.m., but I have boundaries.”
7. Laugh, Because Seriously… It’s All a Little Ridiculous
If you’re dealing with SAD, winter can sometimes feel like one endless grayscale loop. That’s why humor is essential—embrace the absurdity! Instead of grumbling about the snow, maybe find a way to play in it. Laugh at the fact that you’re ready for bed by 7:00 pm.
One easy way to get those endorphins flowing is to watch or listen to something that makes you laugh. Whether it’s stand-up comedy, blooper reels, or your favorite sitcom, a little laughter can shift your mood, even if it’s just temporarily.
The Takeaway: Find What Works and Give Yourself A Break
Managing SAD isn’t about pretending winter isn’t here; it’s about finding ways to make the season bearable or even enjoyable, in small ways. Try a combination of light therapy, movement, and maybe even a slightly ridiculous new hobby. You’re not expected to be a winter wonderland enthusiast, but by adding some humor and lighthearted routines you can make these darker months a little less daunting.
Remember, too, that SAD is a form of sadness, and if you find that it’s making life feel unmanageable, there’s absolutely no shame in seeking professional help. So, as we get ready for the days ahead where daylight is a rare, fleeting event, just remember: this is temporary, the sun will return, and so will your mood. Unless we finally move forward as a country to stop all of this time change stuff once and for all. Until next time, make it a wonderful day.
About the author
P. Nate O’Brien, MA, LMHC, is a writer, licensed mental health counselor, and self-proclaimed winter optimist (on a good day). With a knack for finding humor in life’s challenges, Nate shares relatable insights and practical tips to help readers navigate the ups and downs of everyday life. When he’s not writing, you can find him chasing sunlight, sipping coffee, or debating the merits of ditching daylight saving time once and for all.
Overcoming the Chasm of “Different”
When we encounter people from different cultures or belief systems, it's easy to feel a divide. But what if we approached these differences as opportunities to learn? In his latest blog post, P. Nate O'Brien explores how adopting a “curious tourist” mindset can transform our perspectives, leading to deeper understanding and less conflict. Discover actionable steps to bridge divides, make genuine connections, and enrich your worldview.
When visiting a country for the first time, what would be the best attitude to have? Should I think the absolute worst about them simply because they are different from me and what I am accustomed to? Or should I study the new culture, suspending judgement, while I gather information about the language, customs, culture, food, etc.? Clearly, unless we are fighting against some pretty serious internal issues, it would be the latter option. I think we would be better served by considering differences between people as initially a wonderful opportunity to learn and have a new experience.
Does being different make you feel awkward and distressed?
There are some people with whom we have much in common. There are others who we consider (and most likely they us) as being so alien that we cannot fathom how they arrived at the conclusions and beliefs that they currently have. They seem to have a much different view of the world than we do. Our initial impulse to perhaps treat this difference as “bad” can be misleading and potentially detrimental. If we head off in that direction, our interactions often have a greater chance of being fraught with strife, high levels of emotion, and conflict. What if, instead of reacting, we act as an objective journalist?
An objective journalist acts as a curious investigator. Suspending personal opinions and beliefs, they seek out to gather as many data points as possible so that they can report the object of their fascination with anyone who might listen. An objective journalist leaves their personal agendas behind and seeks to have the single agenda of uncovering information. They, like a curious tourist, begin to explore the unknown.
When you are curious and open-minded, others can’t help but follow—spread it around.
In today’s divisive culture, we can find ourselves on the opposite side of a whole host of spectrums. Our initial impulse is to stay within the confines of our echo chambers, constantly exposing ourselves to those with whom we most agree. Such exposure can lead to a feeling of self-righteousness, a false belief that you have the other side “figured out,” and then a slew of beliefs about the other side that might or might not even be true. A fierce tribalism forms and the character assassinations begin. Little true exploration of the “other side” is even attempted.
Instead, I propose we fight that impulse and seek out people who are very different than we are (e.g., culturally different, politically different, or even religiously different) and begin a conversation. Here are some helpful tips on how you can take such a journey.
Embrace what makes you unique; it’s your greatest strength.
Identify someone without whom you do not agree or who is very different than you are in some way. This individual can be a family member, friend, or even a stranger. For example, one might speak to a person of another faith.
It’s our differences that make us invaluable to each other.
Ask them to meet with you. I have found that most people love to talk and eat, especially if you are paying for it! This way, you are introduced to a new cuisine as well.
Ask more questions than you answer. Ask every question you can think of that might help you best understand their point of view. Use those famous questions you learned in school who, what, when, where, why, how.
What makes you different is what makes you unforgettable.
Let’s use a different example, politics. Let’s pretend you are completely confused by a member of a particular party. You simply can’t understand why they believe what they believe.
Here are some sample questions to get you started (you can substitute any you choose – just remember, you are trying to get the information from them you would want to give them if they were asking you the same questions:
Who – who did you learn this belief from?
What – what do you like best about this political party?
When – when did you start believing this for yourself?
Where – where do you think this party will take people if they were to have their way?
Why – why do you like this party over the others?
How – how do you think these parties are similar and different?
Diversity of thought fuels progress and possibility.
Listen well. Try your best not to interrupt. Ask open-ended questions. Ask for clarification if you are having a hard time understanding. Take notes (with their permission of course). Read it back to make sure you have it right (“Is that what you are saying?
Don’t argue. Remember, this is not a debate. This is an investigation. Your goal is to understand what they believe and why they believe it.
Different does not always (or even often) mean bad. People who seem different than you most likely arrived at these differences the same way you did. Before I seek to even debate someone, it would be wise to truly seek to understand them. Becoming a worldview tourist can help decrease angst even in a debate as you have spent the time to get to know the other side. You might be surprised to find that you have much in common with those who seem very different than you. You can bridge the seemingly unjumpable chasm between “them” and you.
Difference is where true connection and understanding can start.
What to Consider When Looking for Counselor
Looking for a mental health counselor can feel overwhelming, especially if you're not sure where to start. At Hope Haven, we want to make that journey a little easier by offering six key things to consider when choosing a counselor and four things to avoid. From checking their qualifications and experience to understanding costs, these tips will help you find the right support for your mental health needs.
What to Consider When Looking for Counselor.
Hello from Hope Haven. Looking for a mental health counselor can be a scary proposition for some, especially if they have never been to one before. The thought of just beginning the process can be overwhelming. I wanted to make that process a little easier by offering you six things to consider when looking for a counselor and four things you should not consider.
What to Consider:
1) Do they know what they are doing?
Make sure to research the counselor or therapist. If you are looking for a mental health counselor, for example, consider if they have the appropriate training. You can typically determine that by identifying whether they are licensed by the state that you live in. This licensure requires them to have acquired the prerequisite degrees necessary. Most of them can’t wait to show them off. Mine are on my wall because of what I paid for them. Check if their treatments are evidence-based (i.e., Per APA.org, look for treatments that are scientifically demonstrated to be effective with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, angry children, etc.).
2) Do they have experience with your specific concern?
Check to see if they have had experience treating concerns like yours. Upon your investigation, you can usually find out which theoretical orientations or modalities they use (e.g., CBT, DBT, TF-CBT, EMDR, etc.) as well. For fun, ask them about a made up one (like QVC) and see how they handle it.
3) How much will the services be?
Payment can be made out-of-pocket or through insurance. It is important to understand which (or both) this provider will accept. Make sure to ask about the average number of sessions (typical length of treatment) and about any possible costs associated with missed sessions. If you have chickens, you might be able to trade some eggs. Those things are like gold right now.
Hope Haven | Mental Health Counseling
4) Where are they?
Providers are no longer constrained to their physical location. While their location is important if you want in-person sessions, exploring whether they have an internet option can be helpful and offer greater flexibility (e.g., via Zoom). Just don’t conduct your virtual session while moving around a lot. We get dizzy.
5) What are they like?
At times, a provider will have a reputation or even customer ratings. Check with your other health-care providers, friends, and family to see if they might refer you to a trusted source. It is good to check on if they are genuine, personable, and comfortable.
6) When can I see them?
It is rare if providers do not have a waitlist. Finding a good provider who can see you quickly is like finding a 20.00 bill in your pocket you forgot was there.
Hope Haven | Mental Health Counseling
What NOT to Consider:
1) How they look
People are like books. Don’t judge them by their cover.
2) What kind of car they drive.
Despite popular rumors, a good clinician does not have to own a Prius or a Subaru.
3) Whether they are gluten-full or gluten-free.
The gut wants what the gut wants. Diet does not usually play a huge role in how good a counselor might be.
4) Their Youtube channel or blog…
They are doing the best they can.
Hope Haven | Mental Health Counseling
In all, make sure to take your time. Unless it is an emergency you do not have to rush. Be pleasantly persistent. Keep following up with the questions you have. Interview them to see if they are a good fit. Try giving them about 3-5 sessions before making a final decision. I hope that helps. Make it a wonderful day.
P. Nate O’Brien MA, LMHC